Comedian Jeff Foxworthy has made a nice living from his shtick “You might be a redneck if…….” As in, “You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.”
What Mr. Foxworthy has done for rednecks, I’d like to do for retired guys. As a retired guy, I’ve begun to notice that most of us have similar traits, characteristics and lifestyles that seem to quickly identify us as superannuated.
Thus, you might be retired if:
You put your garbage out two days before it’s ready to be picked up.
You re-mow your lawn.
You wear the same shirt all week.
You no longer wear a shirt.
Pants have now become optional.
You regularly try to engage the letter carrier in conversation.
Your spouse is not that thrilled to have you around the house.
Televised golf now seems exciting.
Having a nightcap means wearing a wool hat to bed.
The mention of an “early bird special” gets you excited.
You spend an inordinate amount of time clipping coupons and collecting points.
You look forward to the morning mail delivery.
Someone has to remind you what day of the week it is.
Your favorite conversation partner is your pet.
You like to helpfully remind neighbors about chores they have overlooked.
The only time you wear a jacket and tie is for weddings and funerals.
You no longer buy lace-up footwear.
Velcro is your new favorite fabric.
You avoid weekend shopping.
The primary topic of conversation at your retiree get-togethers is pension provisions.
The secondary topic of conversation is physical ailments.
The third topic is regularity.
Bedtime is any time.
You know what IRA, 401(k) and Roth IRA stand for.
Getting enough sleep is no longer a problem.
You now have an affinity for water aerobics.
Wearing pajamas is not embarrassing until at least noon.
When it comes to wine with dinner, every night is Saturday night.
You can’t remember the last time you used an alarm clock.
Your slippers have treads on them so you don’t have to wear shoes.
Shoveling the driveway in the winter is optional.
The Weather Channel or CNN is on 24/7.
You enjoy getting up early to watch your neighbors leave for work.